October 24th, I set up a monument by posting on this blog about my financial troubles and my complete reliance on God to provide. Two months later, and in time for Christmas, I am revisiting this.
Life has been really hard for me. God has been forcing me to rely on other people instead of trying to do everything myself. Asking for help has always been one of my biggest struggles. I literally went a day and a half without eating before asking someone if I could borrow 1000¥ ($10 USD equivalent depending on the day) to go to a mandatory event. He then asked if I had enough money for food and I just said not really. This has happened twice now.
To be completely honest, following God will always cost you. It will break you, but you won’t be destroyed. And God always rewards faith. This trial has been very interesting. Over and over, God has said that he would provide. He has been providing through people who have very little money. I have received most of my money these past few months through donations from my fellow missionaries. Literally, as soon as I would completely run out of money more would appear. I would not ask. I would feel bad, but I know I would do the same thing. I even received 100,000¥ to pay off last months and this months staff fees. My churches pastor and his wife even gave me enough money to get to church a couple of times. The hardest part of this has been my own fear of whether or not I am worth being provided for and my inability to use money to bless people.
I can say I am generous. That sounds pompous, but it is humility. I know God has made me very generous. I tend to give and bless people in every way I can all the time. This is so much harder when you literally have nothing of substance to give. Through this God has been showing me his sovereignty. He is bigger than any circumstance and he is much better at blessing people than I am. He has allowed me to pour my time and energy into people, but also more towards him. Every problem has forced me to come before him for help. Sometimes it help right away, other times it didn’t right away. My relationship has been strengthened. I am learning to trust God when I cannot see the big picture or end result.
Now for the part I dread.
I need help.
Please pray for me. God can do anything, but more often than not he moves through his people. My finances are a major burden for me. I am really bad at this kind of stuff and it really brings up lots of stress and fear in me.